Understanding and managing anger

We experience anger when our minds and bodies react to things, people, and situations we find threatening, frustrating, or unfair.

When recognised, listened to, and expressed in healthy ways, anger can play an important role in keeping us safe and can help motivate us towards positive change. For example, anger might be telling us:

• We’re feeling overwhelmed
• Our boundaries have been crossed
• Certain needs aren't being met.

Even though anger is a natural and helpful emotional response that most of us experience from time to time, not recognising or knowing how to manage it can lead to relationship problems, aggressive behaviour, and other potential negative consequences.

If you’re here because you or someone you care about is struggling with anger, you’re not alone. Anger is something a lot of us need help with. It can be uncomfortable or distressing to feel angry, especially if it’s happening more frequently or starting to feel out of your control.

In this support guide, you’ll learn about some of the common reasons we can feel angry, the differences between healthy and unhealthy anger, signs anger is becoming a problem, as well as practical strategies, tools and apps, and support services to help you recognise and manage anger.

Scroll down to learn more.

Understanding why you might be feeling angry is an important step toward learning how to recognise and manage it.

Sometimes, it’s obvious why we feel angry: An event didn’t go to plan, someone we care about has been treated unfairly, or we’re overwhelmed by ongoing challenges.

Other times, pinpointing why we’re suddenly irritated or filled with rage can be more complex.

Here are some of the common reasons we might get angry:

• Feeling physically or emotionally attacked
• Feeling let down by ourselves or others
• Unresolved arguments or disagreements
• Talking or reading about sensitive topics
• Being in situations where we feel out of control
• Lack of communication or miscommunication
• Environmental stressors like noise and clutter
• Growing up around frequent anger
• Being in social groups that encourage anger
• Dealing with illness or pain
• Problems with sleep
• Stress and overwhelm
• Struggles with depression and/or anxiety.

Keep in mind that this is not an exhaustive list and it’s okay if you don’t always know what’s causing you to feel angry.

Anger can often be like only seeing the tip of an iceberg - what you see on the surface is only part of the story. Beneath the visible anger, there may be deeper emotions like hurt, fear, or frustration.

Understanding and addressing these underlying feelings is key to managing anger in healthy ways.

Anger can look and feel really different for everyone. For example, when a child is angry, they might scream, cry, and refuse to get in a car, while an adult might withdraw from friends, have frequent headaches, and struggle with sleep.

Understanding how it feels when you’re angry is a powerful first step towards learning how to manage it. Below, you can read about some of the common ways anger can affect your body, mind, emotions, and behaviour.

When you’re angry, you might notice feelings in your body like:

• A pounding or racing heartbeat
• Rapid/shallow breathing, or like you’re holding your breath
• Shakiness or trembling
• Tightness in the shoulders, neck, or jaw
• Clenching your hands or jaw
• Dry mouth or teeth-grinding
• Hot flushes, especially on your face and chest
• Sweating, even in a cool environment
• Headaches or dizziness
• Stomach pain or queasiness
• Restless, like you can’t sit still
• Sleep problems, especially when anger is persistent.

Along with physical sensations, it’s common to experience a wide range of different thoughts, feelings, and emotions when you’re angry.

When you’re angry, you might feel:

• Impatient, irritable, and easily annoyed
• Frustrated for longer than usual
• Distracted, brain-foggy, and unable to focus
• Resentful towards other people or situations
• Intense and sometimes uncontrollable rage
• Increasingly verbally and/or physically aggressive
• A constant need to rehash events, replay conversations, or focus on negative thoughts surrounding the person, thing, or situation that caused your anger.

Ultimately, the way you react and act when you're angry depends on how you’ve learned to cope with difficult feelings. The good news is - it’s always possible to change your behaviour and learn new ways to cope.

Now, let’s look at some of the ways to recognise anger in your behaviour.

Everyone has their own way of expressing anger, and it can show up differently for each person.

For some, anger might come out as:

• Yelling, using harsh language, or slamming things around
• Breaking things or getting physically aggressive
• Lashing out at others with threats or verbal abuse.

Others may internalise their anger by:

• Criticising themselves (which can lead to or worsen low self-esteem)
• Neglecting basic self-care needs like food and sleep
• Pulling away from things that usually bring comfort or joy
• Isolating from people or engaging in harmful behaviours.

Anger can also show up in more subtle ways, like:

• Refusing to engage in conversation or ignoring others
• Hinting at leaving or hurting yourself
• Avoiding tasks or self-sabotaging
• Making sarcastic or passive-aggressive comments.

The earlier you notice these signs, the more control you’ll have over how you respond. It’s not always easy, especially when the anger feels intense, but being aware can help you make choices that feel better for you in the long run.

A healthy response to anger doesn’t mean ignoring or pushing your feelings aside. It means choosing to acknowledge your feelings and emotions and then reacting in a positive and constructive way.

For example, healthy anger can help you:

• Communicate your feelings and needs
  • Telling a colleague, ‘I felt upset and overlooked in today's meeting when my ideas weren't considered,’ gives them an opportunity to be more inclusive in the next meeting.
• Set and maintain personal boundaries
  • Letting a friend know, ‘I was really upset that you didn’t call before coming over and I’d prefer if you call before visiting,’ helps protect your personal space.
• Find solutions and resolve conflicts
  • Discussing frustrations in a relationship, rather than avoiding them because you’re angry, can lead to mutual understanding and a deeper connection.
• Reduce stress by releasing built-up tension
  • Expressing your feelings of frustration can result in feeling less stressed and prevent the build-up of resentment.
• Work towards positive change
  • Feeling angry about a community issue might inspire you to volunteer or advocate for change.

An easy way to think of anger is like a pressure cooker. At some point, the pressure in a cooker needs to be released, or it will build up too much, leading to an explosion.

This is similar to how we might experience unhealthy outbursts or suppressed anger. Suppressing anger is like keeping the lid tightly sealed; you're holding in your emotions instead of letting them out in a safe, controlled way.

Unhealthy and suppressed anger can feel impossible to control and can lead to:

• Aggressive behaviour and violence
  • Yelling at someone over a minor disagreement or resorting to physical fights.
• Relationship problems and social isolation
  • Having frequent outbursts that cause friends and family to distance themselves.
• Impaired judgement and decision-making
  • Making impulsive decisions, like quitting a job on the spot rather than taking the time and having the space to think about the decision.
• Physical health conditions
  • Being constantly angry can contribute to high blood pressure or heart problems.
• Unhealthy coping mechanisms
  • You might turn to gambling, self-harm, or alcohol or other substances to try and cope with the suppressed anger or distract yourself.

Anger affects everyone differently, but noticing the signs of too much or too little anger can help you understand your feelings and manage them better.

Anger and mental health are closely linked.

Sometimes, anger might be a sign of underlying mental health challenges or conditions. For example, the constant worry associated with anxiety can make you feel irritable, while unresolved experiences associated with past trauma might surface as anger.

Experiencing mental health challenges can also make it tougher to manage anger. For example, someone with depression may find it challenging to express their frustration in a healthy way, leading to feelings of helplessness or even rage.

It's important to recognise that just like anger, mental health challenges can show up differently in everyone. Some people, for instance, may express their struggles through anger, even if what's beneath the surface is actually sadness, fear, or frustration. They may appear angry but could be silently experiencing mental health challenges, or their unmanaged anger might be negatively impacting their wellbeing, often without them even realising it.

Feeling angry from time to time is completely normal. However, anger isn’t just feeling upset. On top of it impacting your mental and physical health, anger has the potential to harm your relationships, reputation, career, and other life areas.

It’s important to understand these broader effects so you can gain awareness and take the steps necessary towards a healthier and happier life.

Signs your anger might be a problem:

• Frequent and intense outbursts that disrupt your personal or professional life
• Persistent emotional distress, irritability, and difficulty moving past disagreements
• Harmful behaviours like physical aggression, verbal abuse, shouting, or making threats and intimidating others
• Experiencing legal or financial troubles due to behaviours associated with anger
• Chronic health problems like high blood pressure, heart issues, or headaches
• Engaging in unhealthy coping mechanisms such as substance misuse, problem gambling, or self-harm
• Strained or broken relationships, isolation, or struggles with domestic and family violence-related behaviours
• People have told you, or you suspect you have ‘anger issues’.

Remember, recognising that anger is impacting your life in any way is a powerful first step. And no matter how difficult things might feel in your life right now, you are not alone and it can get better.

Continue reading to learn anger management strategies you can try right now or turn to in the future.

Managing anger can feel overwhelming, especially when it takes over in the heat of the moment. Having a set of simple, practical strategies can make a real difference, helping you to stay calm and regain control.

In this section, you can explore easy-to-use techniques that can be used both immediately and in the future, offering you support whenever those feelings of anger start to rise.

Keep in mind that everyone experiences anger differently, so what works for one person may not work for you, and that’s perfectly okay. The important thing is to keep trying different techniques until you find the ones that resonate with you.

If you’re experiencing symptoms such as racing thoughts, difficulty breathing, and a rapid heart rate, a grounding technique like box breathing is something you can use to regain a sense of control within minutes.

If you’d like to try box breathing now, click play on the video below.

Scroll down for more short and long-term techniques and strategies.

Managing anger for the long term goes beyond simply handling moments of frustration. It involves building a foundation of skills and habits that help you navigate life's challenges, address the underlying causes of anger, and respond in healthier ways.

Consider it more like training for a marathon rather than a sprint - it takes time, practise, and persistence.

Here are some strategies to support you on this ongoing journey:

Keep in mind that managing anger is a journey, not an overnight fix.

Setting realistic expectations can help you stay on track without feeling overwhelmed or discouraged. Don’t expect yourself to master anger management right away. Change takes time, and it’s okay to progress gradually.

It’s important to be patient and compassionate with yourself as you build long-term habits that help you manage your anger more effectively.

Below, you’ll find tools like online learning programs, forums, wellbeing apps, and podcast episodes that can help you understand and manage anger.

Below, you’ll find support services that offer information, counselling, and referrals to local organisations in your area.

Use the Lifeline Service Finder to search for more local and national services available to help support you.