Understanding self-harm and how you can help

It can be hard to recognise self-harm in a loved one because they will often try to hide their injuries. They might hurt themselves in hard-to-see places, like their inner thighs, or they might try to cover up their injuries with clothing.

Although it can be hard to spot self-harm, here are some warning signs to watch out for in your loved ones:

• They wear long clothing and cover up when the situation doesn’t call for it, such as during summer when it's very warm
• You notice strange marks on their body, such as cuts, burns, or scratches
• They have been very self-critical
• They talk about feeling bad and deserving of punishment
• They seem emotionally overwhelmed — they might get teary-eyed often, have mood swings, or have a short temper
• They are more withdrawn than usual — they aren’t spending much time with friends or doing activities they used to enjoy
• They talk about their friends or others self-harming.

If you think that an adult loved one is self-harming, you may feel confused and worried. You may not understand why they’ve intentionally hurt themselves, making it hard to know what to say. However, what you say is not as important as how you say it. What your loved one really needs is to feel supported, understood, and cared for.

If you’ve noticed that your child may be self-harming, it’s important to ask them about their injuries in a calm and curious way.

It’s best to let them know you’re concerned without yelling, getting overly upset, or threatening them, as this can make things worse and will likely intensify any guilt or shame they may be feeling.

Becoming upset when you find out your child is self-harming is a normal reaction. If you’ve already yelled or scolded your child, it might be helpful to explain that you did so because you care about them, don’t want to see them hurt, and were shocked when you learned they’d been hurting themselves. It’s never too late to show compassion, care and understanding.

Be curious. If you remember to be curious when speaking to a loved one, you will avoid coming across as judgemental. Focus on asking about their feelings instead of the self-harm itself. They will feel more understood if you connect with and acknowledge their emotions.

If a loved one opens up to you about self-harm, it's important to listen to them with empathy and without judgement. Here are some simple steps you can take:

1. Stay calm and be supportive. Let them know that you care about them and that you are there for them. Make sure they feel safe and heard.
2. Validate their feelings. Acknowledge their pain and let them know that their feelings are real and important.
3. Encourage them to seek professional help. Self-harm can be a sign of deeper emotional issues that may require professional help. Encourage them to speak to a doctor or mental health professional.
4. Help them to find resources. Provide them with information about available resources, such as local mental health clinics, support groups, or crisis helplines. There are great tools specifically to manage self-harm, such as Calm Harm.
5. Work together with your loved one to create a safety plan in case they feel overwhelmed or have the urge to self-harm again. This can include activities or coping mechanisms that help them distract themselves from the urge.

It can be really hard to support someone struggling with self-harm. They may require extra attention or specific support, and this can significantly impact the people around them.

If you’re feeling distressed and overwhelmed, you are not alone. There are support services available for yourself and others who care for and/or support someone experiencing self-harm.

Remember, ‘you can’t pour from an empty cup’. The best way you can care for someone else is to make sure you are okay first.

This might include:

Download our Care Guide for more tips on how to support your loved one through difficult times.