Anwyn's Story

Note: this transcript has been edited for clarity, grammar, and flow.

Darcy: We acknowledge the lives lost to suicide and recognise those who have survived suicide attempts, as well as those who struggle today or in the past with thoughts of suicide, mental health issues, and crisis situations. We acknowledge all those who have felt the deep impact of suicide, including those who love, care for, and support people experiencing suicidality, and those enduring the pain and bereavement of suicide. We respect collaboration with people who have a lived or living experience of suicide and mental health issues and value their contribution to the work we do.

Anwyn: I spent a lot of time at home, shutting myself off in my room. I kept thinking, There’s got to be more. There’s got to be more to life than just the pain I’m feeling.

Darcy: Welcome to Holding on to Hope, the series that shares the stories of everyday Australians who have experienced moments of crisis and found a path to support. Whilst all the stories shared offer hope and inspiration, at times, you may hear something you find triggering. If you or someone you know needs crisis support, please phone Lifeline on 13 11 14, text 0477 13 11 14, or visit lifeline.org.au for Lifeline's 24/7 chat service.

Ruben: Hello, and thank you for joining me. I’m Ruben Mackellar, and I’m a telephone crisis supporter at Lifeline. I’m one of the voices you may hear if you call for support.

Today, we’re joined by Anwyn. Anwyn has struggled with depression and anxiety since early childhood, growing up in a dysfunctional and unsafe environment. As she entered early adulthood, all at the same time, she moved from a small town to a big city, began unravelling her sexuality, lost a parent, and found herself in a building fire. Feeling loneliness and isolation crowding in around her, Anwyn attempted suicide.

Now, as the 10-year anniversary of her attempt approaches, Anwyn reflects on what helped her through and how she copes with pain today.

Hi Anwyn, thank you so much for joining me today.

Anwyn: Yeah, thanks for having me, Ruben.

Ruben: I’d like to invite you to share whatever you feel comfortable with about your childhood and growing up. What was that like for you?

Anwyn: I won’t go into too much detail, but I think the key words I’d use to paint a picture of my experiences are: lonely, isolated, and dysfunctional. I grew up in a family environment that I would call dysfunctional, and I experienced some quite traumatic things from a young age.

From as early as I can remember, I’ve always had depression and anxiety present in my life—right through from primary school, into high school, and into young adulthood. Now, I’m not even in that “young adult” category anymore, which is something I’m still grappling with.

Ruben: You’ve used some pretty big words there - lonely and isolated. Can you share a bit about what it was like going through those experiences and the trauma you had to deal with? I imagine it must have been incredibly difficult.

Anwyn: The isolation came in a few different forms. I grew up south of Perth in a regional area, so there was geographical isolation. At the same time, I was coming to terms with my sexuality during high school and early adulthood. I identify as queer, and in a small town, I didn’t have anyone I could turn to or look to for representation.

Physically, I was also isolated from my family. I lived with one parent while the rest of my family lived in Perth. It felt like I had no one to go to and no one to turn to. That feeling stayed with me for a long time, even as I began my mental health journey.

It was very scary to feel so alone, to feel like there was no one who understood or no one who could support me. At times, I didn’t even have the words to describe what I was going through. That made it even harder.

Ruben: It sounds like an incredibly challenging experience, and it’s clear you carried that weight for a long time. Was there a moment when things hit rock bottom for you?

Anwyn: Definitely. In fact, I’ve hit rock bottom a few times in my life. Sometimes, it feels like just when you think you’ve reached the bottom, things get worse.

For me, “worse” came after a series of events when I was about 18 or 19. I’d already been living with depression and anxiety for more than a decade by that point, but I kept telling myself, It’s not that bad, or This is just how life is. I wasn’t seeking help.

First, my stepdad passed away unexpectedly from a heart attack. It was shocking and completely turned my world upside down. Losing a parent at that age makes you feel incredibly unsafe in the world.

Shortly after, I went on a student exchange, trying to find myself. While I was there, I was caught in a hostel fire. I lost everything - my belongings, my passport - everything. I was literally left standing in my pyjamas.

These two traumatic events happened close together, and it felt like my world fell apart. I was grieving, distrusting of the world, and completely overwhelmed. On top of that, all the anxiety and depression I’d been pushing down for years bubbled to the surface.

It was like my brain decided, This is too much. My thoughts got darker and darker: My pain is too much for the world. The world would be better off without me. I believed that ending my life would somehow help others, and those thoughts ultimately led to my suicide attempt.

Ruben: After your attempt, you mentioned that something shifted for you. Can you share how you began to view life differently and how your bucket list came into being?

Anwyn: Yes, after my attempt, things actually got darker for a while. I had some experiences that nearly pushed me to a worse place. For example, someone in my family told me I was selfish for what I’d done. Another person, after my friend called to let them know I was hospitalised, said they’d come see me the next day instead of right away.

That really hurt. I remember thinking, You don’t know if there’s going to be a next day for me. You know what I’ve just been through - how could you say that? It was painful, and it took me to a very low place.

In the weeks that followed, I spent a lot of time shut away in my room. But I kept thinking, There has to be more. There has to be more to life than this pain. So, I made a promise to myself and wrote a bucket list.

I told myself, If I finish every item on this list and I still feel the same way - if I still feel as alone, as hurt, as lost - then I’ll allow myself to die. It feels like such a gamble looking back, but at the time, it was the only way I could push myself forward.

Most of the list is a blur now, but I remember one thing clearly: one of the first items was to go to a movie alone. It wasn’t a huge goal, but it was something that felt challenging to me at the time.

That list became my focus. For the next year, I worked through the activities on it. At the same time, I began reaching out to others. I told friends what had happened, and I reached out to my university for support.

I’ll be honest - I wasn’t sure how my university would respond. I emailed all my lecturers and my course coordinator in one big group email. I poured everything out, saying, This is what I’m going through. I can’t do anything right now. How can you help me?

To my surprise, they really stepped up. My course coordinator, in particular, went above and beyond. I don’t think she’ll ever know just how much she helped me during that time.

My friends were incredible too. Some stayed with me for a few nights; others let me stay at their place. Slowly, through those connections and by completing activities on my bucket list, I began to feel emotions other than pain.

Ruben: It sounds like reaching out to people, even though it was scary, made a huge difference for you. What was that process like for you - opening up and asking for help?

Anwyn: It was terrifying. Being vulnerable and not knowing how people would react was really scary. But at that point, I felt like I had no choice. I had to tell people what was happening; I had to ask for help.

For me, texting and emailing were the best ways to do that. When I’m distressed, I really struggle to verbalise my thoughts. Even if I’ve been ruminating on something for days, when it comes time to say it out loud, the words get stuck.

Writing gave me the space to think clearly and communicate exactly what I needed to say. I could reread my words and make sure they expressed what I was feeling before I sent them. It was a way of reaching out that felt safe for me, and it allowed me to be honest about my struggles.

Ruben: That’s such a powerful message, Anwyn. I think a lot of people will relate to what you’ve shared about finding a method of communication that works for you. What about now? What supports do you lean on when things are difficult?

Anwyn: It’s been a long journey figuring out what works for me, but I’ve built up a solid foundation of supports over time. Therapy is a big one. I’ve been in therapy for a long time, and I’m really lucky to have found a psychologist I connect with.

Therapy is non-negotiable for me. Yes, it costs money, time, and emotional energy, but I see it as maintenance for my wellbeing. Like an oil change for a car - it’s essential if you want to keep things running smoothly.

Another big thing is communication, especially with my wife. I’ve learned that people can’t read my mind. When I’m distressed, I assume everyone around me can tell how I’m feeling, but that’s often not the case.

My therapist helped me realise this. She pointed out that I can’t expect people to know what I need unless I tell them. So, I’ve been working on clearly expressing my feelings and asking for support when I need it.

I also have a little box I carry around that’s filled with activities for different emotional states. It’s an ADHD strategy, but it works wonders for me. The box has comforting items, like a soft toy or a positive note someone wrote me, as well as things to engage me if I’m feeling restless or frustrated. It’s become my go-to tool for self-care.

Ruben: That sounds like an incredible toolkit you’ve created for yourself. It’s inspiring to hear how you’ve found ways to support your wellbeing. What would you say to your younger self, who felt so lonely and isolated?

Anwyn: I’d tell my younger self, You’re not alone. Even though it feels that way, even though the feeling is so strong, it won’t last forever.

I’d also say, Thank you. Thank you for making it through. It’s something I wish I’d heard more often during my hardest times. Making it through those moments is such a huge achievement, and it deserves to be acknowledged.

Ruben: That’s such a beautiful message, Anwyn. I think a lot of people listening will take something from that, especially the idea of gratitude for the strength it takes to keep going.

You recently celebrated your fifth wedding anniversary with your wife, Christiana, and you have a very loved dog, Lola. What’s ahead for the three of you this year?

Anwyn: This year, our focus is on being present in our lives. Whether that means enjoying the good moments, sitting with the tough emotions, or embracing new opportunities.

For me, that means breaking away from the mindset that everything has to be about goals or self-improvement. I’ve spent so much time striving to be mentally better, build my career, or achieve something specific, and sometimes I’ve missed the present moment.

I want to stop doing that. I want to be more present with Christiana, with Lola, and with myself. It’s about finding joy in the small things, even if it’s something simple like going snorkelling on my lunch break.

That presence also means acknowledging the tough stuff. For example, we’re coming up on the 10th anniversary of my suicide attempt. I know that will bring up a lot of emotions, but I want to sit with those feelings instead of pushing them away.

And, of course, Lola will continue to be spoiled! She is adored by everyone who meets her. My mum, who’s never been a big animal person, absolutely loves Lola. When she babysits Lola in winter, she makes sure she’s set up right in front of the fire with a blanket—it’s like prime seating. So, I’m sure there are plenty more treats and pampering in store for her this year.

Ruben: That sounds like such a meaningful way to approach the year, and I love hearing how Lola has captured everyone’s hearts.

Anwyn, thank you so much for sharing your story. It’s been an absolute privilege to hear about your journey—your resilience, your growth, and the insights you’ve shared. On behalf of Lifeline, we’re so grateful for your openness and courage. We look forward to seeing more of your advocacy in the suicide prevention space.

Anwyn: Thank you, Ruben, and thank you to Lifeline for the incredible work you do.

Darcy: Thanks for listening to Holding on to Hope, the podcast. Lifeline is grateful to all Holding on to Hope participants for choosing to share their personal lived experiences openly and courageously, offering hope and inspiration to others.

Remember, if you or someone you know needs crisis support, you can call Lifeline on 13 11 14, text 0477 13 11 14, or visit lifeline.org.au to access Lifeline’s 24/7 chat service.