Stella's story

Darcy (Host):
[00:00:00] Welcome to Holding on to Hope, a series that shares the stories of everyday Australians that have experienced moments in crisis and found a path to support.
[00:00:09] Whilst all of the stories shared offer hope and inspiration, at times you may hear something you find triggering.
[00:00:15] If you or someone you know needs crisis support, please phone Lifeline on 13 11 14, text 0477 13 11 14, or visit lifeline.org.au for Lifeline chat service, which is 24/7.

Carla (Interviewer):
[00:00:30] Stella is 23 and originally from New Zealand. Her journey has been marked by challenges from a young age, growing up without knowing her father, experiencing bullying and struggling with an eating disorder from childhood.
[00:00:42] Social media reinforced her battles, normalising self-harm and feeding destructive patterns at a time when she felt she had no one to talk to.
[00:00:50] Through her teens, Stella faced severe depression, hospitalisation and multiple suicide attempts.
[00:00:56] At 20, she made the courageous move to Australia for a fresh start, but loneliness and old struggles resurfaced.
[00:01:04] What began to shift things was connection, finding friends with shared healthy interests and discovering strength through boxing and fitness.
[00:01:11] Today, Stella uses boxing, not as an outlet for anger, but as a way to ground herself, stay present and care for her mental health.
[00:01:19] She is passionate about encouraging others to find safe outlets, to learn how to be comfortable with the uncomfortable and to hold onto the truth that things can and do get better.
[00:01:29] So Stella, welcome. It's so wonderful to have you here.

Stella:
[00:01:33] Thank you so much for having me.

Carla (Interviewer):
[00:01:34] So we're going to talk through your story and first off, we'll go back to the early years.
[00:01:40] What was life like growing up for you and when did you start to feel a bit different or disconnected?

Stella:
[00:01:47] I would say it's a bit difficult because I grew up, I would say privileged.
[00:01:53] So like I had a house, like I had a good family, I had a good education and all of those things.
[00:01:59] But when I think about my childhood, I don't have very positive memories.
[00:02:06] Yeah, I just don't think that it was as happy as my family would tell me.

Carla (Interviewer):
[00:02:12] Like it looks from the outside.

Stella:
[00:02:14] Yeah, definitely.
[00:02:15] I think I always felt disconnected, whether it was from people around me or myself or life really.
[00:02:24] I think I've always felt different, which I know, like, I don't know, everyone could say that they feel different, but like I didn't grow up with my dad.
[00:02:35] So I think from like the get-go, I felt different because everyone else had a dad, but I could never relate.
[00:02:41] But I did have a dad, but he wasn't my dad.
[00:02:44] So I think that that was like, I don't know, I don't think a lot of people understand, like you can have like a father figure, but it's never the same as like your own dad, if you

Carla (Interviewer):
[00:02:54] know what I mean.
[00:02:54] Yeah.
[00:02:55] And so you felt different from people around you, from other kids at your school.
[00:03:00] Yes, definitely.
[00:03:02] And you've shared that bullying in high school and social media really shaped how you saw yourself.
[00:03:08] Can you describe how that impacted on your mental health at that time?

Stella:
[00:03:12] Yeah, well, I got bullied from basically day one of school.
[00:03:18] I went to three primary schools because I got bullied.
[00:03:22] I think that really shaped my whole life because I was being picked on.
[00:03:28] And at first it was the way that I looked because I am obviously tan.
[00:03:33] And so like, I do have darker hair.
[00:03:35] And so I'd always be called like a gorilla or like, I think, what's his name?
[00:03:40] Chewbacca from like Star Wars.
[00:03:41] Oh, wow.
[00:03:42] So that was kind of like day one.
[00:03:46] And then from then it was more about like my personality because I was quite loud and outgoing and I just loved to talk.
[00:03:55] So then everyone started calling me annoying and no one wanted to be friends with me.
[00:04:00] And so then it was like, I kind of like lost my self identity because the way that I look is getting picked on, but now also the way that I act.
[00:04:07] So then I didn't really know who I was or like who to be because like I was trying to be myself, but that like was not good enough for anyone.
[00:04:18] I think I just wake up every day and I was just like, I can't do this.

Carla (Interviewer):
[00:04:23] And how did social media feed into that?

Stella:
[00:04:25] I always talk to my Nana about this because she would always say, talk to me about bullying and compare back in the day compared to now.
[00:04:34] I think what was different was the fact that like we had phones and so get bullied at school and then you'd come home and then you'd still get bullied.
[00:04:44] Like there was no really like escape from it.
[00:04:46] It's just 24 seven.
[00:04:48] Even black people, they can make another account and still bully you.
[00:04:53] I think social media is very toxic in the way that anyone can upload anything they want.
[00:05:00] And these younger and impressionable audiences are able to access all of this really negative information that is being put out by random people showing that they don't eat or they're showing really skinny people or they're showing throwing up or whatever the case may be.
[00:05:19] You're obviously going to take that as a 12 year old girl and be like, I need to be doing that.
[00:05:24] That is, that's my goal.
[00:05:26] If these people are doing that, I want to look like that.
[00:05:28] I want to be like her.
[00:05:29] It is just the most toxic thing I've ever seen.
[00:05:34] A lot of people my age relate to Tumblr because... I don't know one girl who doesn't have an eating disorder.
[00:05:43] It's so sad, but we grew up in a time where we, that all of this information was put onto us and we, we were kids basically.
[00:05:50] I still think 12 year olds, a child.

Carla (Interviewer):
[00:05:53] And you mentioned that you've had experience of an eating disorder as well.
[00:05:57] When did that first begin?
[00:05:59] Can you tell us a bit about how that played in your coping with these feelings?

Stella:
[00:06:05] My mum's been in the social media industry basically since I was younger and she was in the kind of fitness, wellness, gym type of category.
[00:06:18] So I kind of always grew up around being conscious around food and fitness, like my body.
[00:06:24] And I still get comments now, like when I open up about my eating disorder, people saying it's like my mum's fault, which I like really hate because my mum's young.
[00:06:36] She had me when she was 17 and so I just think it was very toxic back then.
[00:06:41] And I think to put the blame on someone who is like being influenced by what's around them, like it's not fair at all.
[00:06:47] And like, obviously she could have done things differently or tried to protect me, but like she didn't at the time.
[00:06:54] And I don't know, I just really don't like how people put the blame on her.
[00:06:58] Basically, I've just kind of always been conscious around it.
[00:07:00] And I think when I started getting bullied, it kind of got worse because it was something that I had control over, whereas like I couldn't control anything else in my life.
[00:07:11] So I guess being able to find comfort in food was the best thing that I could do at the time.
[00:07:17] And then it just kind of got to a point where I was eating food and then I was throwing up, but then it got to the point where like I was doing it and I was like, I like hope that this kills me because it is so beyond painful in my brain that like I, I couldn't think of like dying sounded like the best option because of how much physical and mental pain that I was in.

Carla (Interviewer):
[00:07:41] That was a serious experience for you.
[00:07:44] You've talked about hospitalization and suicide attempts in your teens that you're in some low moments in your life there.
[00:07:52] What was happening during those moments and how did you feel at those lowest points?

Stella:
[00:07:59] In some of them, I, it was just to cry for help.
[00:08:03] I think that I got myself to such a low point because I like wanted someone to care as well, because like I didn't know how to deal with my emotions.
[00:08:14] I didn't know how to deal with things.
[00:08:16] And if I did go to someone, like they didn't really help me.
[00:08:19] So I felt like I had so many things going on in my brain that the easiest option for me to do would to be to end it because like, I could not even fathom half of the thoughts in my brain.
[00:08:35] I would think that I'd have to, I have to wake up tomorrow and I have to go through this again.
[00:08:39] And then I have to do it for another week and another month and another six months.
[00:08:43] And I like could not bear the fact that I would have to live this day over and over again, but obviously it didn't work because I was, so I think I also felt embarrassed as well, because you go through such emotions and you think that something's going to work and then you're just sitting in a hospital bed being like, what am I doing?

Carla (Interviewer):
[00:09:09] It sounds like there's a lot of really conflicting emotions for you, including that embarrassment at the end.
[00:09:18] That's, you were still only young, still in your teens.
[00:09:21] That's a lot for a young person to deal with.

Stella:
[00:09:23] A lot of emotions.
[00:09:24] And especially because I was never taught how to regulate or deal with my emotions because in my family, no one really talks about their emotions or, you know, people shut them down or it doesn't matter how you feel or what you think or like, you'll get over it.
[00:09:39] It's fine.

Carla (Interviewer):
[00:09:39] And at 20, wow, still such young age, you decided to move countries, move from New Zealand to Australia.
[00:09:48] Yes.
[00:09:48] What were you hoping to find and what challenges did you face when you first arrived?

Stella:
[00:09:54] I think I was looking for like an escape because I have such negative experiences in New Zealand that I needed to get out because I couldn't see my life changing by staying in the same spot.
[00:10:09] And I'm so, I'm such a big believer in, I think it's the saying, you can't grow in an environment you've outgrown.
[00:10:16] When I moved and I made the decision, I was just looking for an escape.
[00:10:20] Like I just wanted to feel happiness because like, I feel like I haven't felt that in years and years and years.
[00:10:26] I think the biggest challenges that I faced moving was definitely finding friends.
[00:10:34] I think being an adult, it's really hard to make new friends because I think a lot of people already have their friends.
[00:10:43] They have their friend groups.
[00:10:45] They don't want to meet new people or like add to their friend group, which I think is crazy because like, I don't know who doesn't want to make new friends.
[00:10:53] I thought that maybe by coming over here, I would get that to experience that, but I didn't.
[00:11:01] And then I think the only other challenges were probably living alone.
[00:11:06] I think I love being alone.
[00:11:09] I've always loved being alone, but I think being in a different country where I don't really know anyone, I'm living in my own apartment.
[00:11:17] And it was very easy for me to go back to bad habits in regards to my eating disorder.
[00:11:24] I think that was a big challenge I faced because I didn't have anyone around me.
[00:11:29] Like I didn't live with anyone.
[00:11:31] So no one could see if I was doing bad behaviors or if I was like spiraling again.
[00:11:38] So I think that was also something very difficult.

Carla (Interviewer):
[00:11:41] Did loneliness and social media, did they feed these moments for you?
[00:11:46] What was that like?

Stella:
[00:11:48] I think social media makes you feel like you have all these people who love and care about you because they're like right there on your phone.
[00:11:55] But in reality, I don't think anyone actually really cares as well with social media.
[00:12:02] Like you can post on social media and you can have like 50 people commenting that they love you.
[00:12:09] And yet when you're actually genuinely struggling or if you're in hospital, no one is there for you?
[00:12:15] So I think that social media is just, it definitely is just a highlight reel and it is so fake.

Carla (Interviewer):
[00:12:23] That's a great saying, a highlight reel when the reality can be so different in people's lives.

Stella:
[00:12:28] I doubt anyone could tell that I was going through a hard time when I was posting on social media because I'm not always going to post, oh, I'm sitting in a hospital bed because I've just tried to overdose.
[00:12:38] Like, yeah, that's not really something you post about.
[00:12:44] So when did things start to shift for you?
[00:12:47] It wasn't until around November last year when I started feeling like my life was changing for once, but in a positive way.
[00:12:56] For 21 years, I never had anything that I thought that I was good at until I started boxing in November last year.
[00:13:08] That was kind of when my life took like a pivotal point.
[00:13:13] It's helped my eating disorder because before this, I was so sick.
[00:13:20] And then I basically followed some boxing accounts on Instagram.
[00:13:26] And then one of them reached out asking if I wanted to come and try a class.
[00:13:31] And I said, yeah, I would love to do that.
[00:13:34] I went and I basically did one session and I was like, this is literally what I want to do.
[00:13:39] Like I found my new healthy addiction.

Carla (Interviewer):
[00:13:42] Really not for me boxing, but it sounds like it just flipped the switch for you, gave you something, not just in the, in the gym, but other things in your life as well.

Stella:
[00:13:53] Definitely.
[00:13:54] Because I also decided like this could possibly be a career option for me when I've never had goals like that.
[00:14:01] I've never been like, oh, I'm going to be a lawyer or a doctor or whatever.
[00:14:06] But this was like the first thing where I was like, I think I could see myself like doing this honestly forever.
[00:14:13] I would do this forever.

Carla (Interviewer):
[00:14:14] You're doing so well.
[00:14:15] Such a great story, Stella.
[00:14:17] And it also sounds like you found things that really do good for you.
[00:14:23] Therapy as well.
[00:14:25] Do you want to talk a little bit about the decision to start therapy?

Stella:
[00:14:29] Over the years, I've been a very on and off person.
[00:14:33] So I'd have my moments where like, okay, I need to sort my life out.
[00:14:36] So I go and I try to go to therapy and then I don't like that therapist and then I just don't go and then I go back into bad habits.
[00:14:42] I just kind of decided I was like, this is like, it's actually gotten to a point where like, it's a joke.
[00:14:48] Like I cannot live like this.
[00:14:50] It's not healthy.
[00:14:52] Like I tried to move out of Australia for a better life and it just seems like I've gone backwards.

Darcy (Host):
[00:14:56] So this new life you found that gives you some career goals and I can see your eyes light up,

Carla (Interviewer):
[00:15:21] the excitement of boxing and friends and new relationships, things to do that are healthy for you.
[00:15:26] Can you say a bit more about how this has impacted your recovery and how it's helping you stay grounded and present?

Stella:
[00:15:35] I've had both bulimia and anorexia over like the past 10 years.
[00:15:40] So I've kind of bounced between not eating and then obviously eating and purging.
[00:15:47] And last year my body was not functioning.
[00:15:53] I, it hurt to walk.
[00:15:54] It hurt to literally do anything because of like your body is like convulsing.
[00:16:00] Is that like the right word?
[00:16:01] Yeah.
[00:16:02] And so when I decided that I wanted to try and become a professional boxer, I had to take a look in the mirror and think a professional athlete is not going to do this to their body.
[00:16:15] That's just not how an athlete works.
[00:16:18] You'll never be able to do that if you keep doing that.
[00:16:20] So I think that it kind of forced me to stop that behavior.
[00:16:25] Obviously I've still had slip ups because I think that an eating disorder can never truly go away.
[00:16:31] You always have little thoughts and little things like that, but it's definitely so much better than it was.
[00:16:37] I think as well, it's really helps having people around you that don't have an eating disorder because I've also had people in my life who have had eating disorders and there is nothing wrong with that, but it's very hard when you have an eating disorder yourself and someone else, your best friend also has one and eating disorders are very competitive.
[00:16:57] And so it's helped a lot having people who don't have a bad relationship with food or they see food as fuel and also changing my point of view that food is fuel because I'm eating to perform.
[00:17:12] I'm not eating just for the sake of eating now.

Carla (Interviewer):
[00:17:15] And how did it feel opening up to a therapist for the first time?
[00:17:19] It sounds like you hadn't really spoken about this to anyone before that.

Stella:
[00:17:23] No, because when I was in hospital as well, I would just, I'd make up other excuses because I was so embarrassed of what I was doing.
[00:17:31] I honestly didn't have any hope that they were ever going to be able to help me.
[00:17:34] I thought there's no way that anyone talking to me or me talking about this to anyone would ever change the way that I think or the way that I feel about food and my body and myself.
[00:17:45] And so I think after a few sessions, I started to think about it more.
[00:17:48] Obviously, when you've been doing a behavior for like five plus years, it's it's not going to change overnight.
[00:17:55] It's going to take months, if not years.
[00:17:58] And even if it does, it still might not 100% go away.
[00:18:03] But yeah, I was embarrassed.
[00:18:05] That's probably how I felt.
[00:18:07] But if you have the right therapist, they shouldn't make you feel embarrassed.

Carla (Interviewer):
[00:18:12] Can you talk a bit about how you've changed the way that you do social media?
[00:18:16] Make it more positive, a space where it brings you something rather than can be unsafe for you.

Stella:
[00:18:23] I think that one thing that I've done to make my social media more of a safe place for me.
[00:18:30] My favorite thing is a block button.
[00:18:31] I love the block button.
[00:18:32] A lot of people don't like it.
[00:18:34] But like, if you're going to come on my account and then say horrible things about me, making assumptions, saying this, that I'm going to block you.
[00:18:43] And then I would say another thing that I do is I filter comments on TikTok.
[00:18:49] I'm not sure if you can do it on Instagram, but on TikTok, you can filter out keywords.
[00:18:54] So I always filter out keywords because why do I want to go into my comments and see someone calling me names or say things about me?
[00:19:01] Like, I'll just delete things.
[00:19:03] Everyone always says, just leave it, just leave it.
[00:19:05] But like, no, there's no point seeing all of this negativity.

Carla (Interviewer):
[00:19:10] So boxing, can you tell me about it?
[00:19:12] Most people think that it's an aggressive thing, but I think you found a different way to use it for you.
[00:19:18] Do you want to say some more about that?

Stella:
[00:19:19] I honestly think that boxing can be aggressive.
[00:19:23] I think if you are angry, I honestly would suggest going to a boxing class.
[00:19:27] It's a healthy way to get your anger out.
[00:19:31] But for me, it wasn't really about anger.
[00:19:33] I think if you go into a fight angry, it's honestly not going to work because you really need to be centered.
[00:19:42] You need to be present.
[00:19:43] You cannot be boxing and thinking about something else.
[00:19:47] You have to be so present in the moment.
[00:19:51] Your brain cannot be somewhere else.
[00:19:52] And I think for me, that was an amazing experience that I had because my brain has always been elsewhere, no matter what I'm doing.
[00:20:03] Everyone's in their head.
[00:20:04] It's really hard not to live in your head these days.
[00:20:07] Like, everyone has so much going on constantly.
[00:20:10] I honestly would recommend boxing to anyone.

Carla (Interviewer):
[00:20:13] You've done such a great job of convincing even someone like me that boxing might be useful in their life, right?
[00:20:20] Right.
[00:20:21] That focus, that almost like a disciplined meditation of being in that moment.
[00:20:28] Nothing else is in there.
[00:20:30] It's just you in that moment.
[00:20:32] That's an incredible moment of presence.

Stella:
[00:20:35] And even when we spar and there's people watching, you don't even notice the people around you who are watching you.
[00:20:40] It's like, I've never felt this type of presence in my life.

Carla (Interviewer):
[00:20:44] And friendships and connecting with people, was that a part of the boxing journey?
[00:20:49] Definitely.

Stella:
[00:20:50] I think that it's really important when you're trying to make friends to find them in environments that you want to be in.
[00:20:58] Personally, it's not my favorite place to meet people for drinks because then that kind of sets like the tone for your friendship.
[00:21:05] So like, you're kind of like, you're always going to go out and drink together.
[00:21:08] But whereas if you meet someone, say, I meet people in boxing, it's set the tone where we can go and work out together and then we can go do ice baths and saunas and we can go for runs or walks or out for breakfast.
[00:21:21] And it kind of gives you more options to be around people.
[00:21:26] And people who genuinely care about you.
[00:21:28] Because I feel like when you go out and meet people when they're drinking, it's very surface level.
[00:21:32] They don't really, they don't care about you.
[00:21:35] They care about having drinks with you and getting drunk.

Carla (Interviewer):
[00:21:39] Finally, for someone listening who feels trapped and struggling with some of the same things you've faced, what messages of hope would you want to send out?

Stella:
[00:21:50] I would say I know that it doesn't feel like it's ever, ever going to get better and how you ever stop thinking and feeling how you are.
[00:22:00] But over time, and if you really want to, it will get better.
[00:22:05] Don't ever feel embarrassed for reaching out for help.
[00:22:08] If anything, it is one of the bravest things you can do.
[00:22:12] But I really do understand and I know how hard it can be for people.
[00:22:17] And especially, you can't choose how you grow up.
[00:22:21] You can't choose your parents.
[00:22:22] You can't choose what happens to you, but you can choose that you want to change your life.
[00:22:29] And just because you've had all of these negative things happen to you, that doesn't make, that's not you.
[00:22:36] Like, yes, those things have happened to you, but you don't need to make them you.
[00:22:43] But I think as well, like people, especially when I was younger, people love to romanticize eating disorders and there is just absolutely nothing that is good about this.
[00:22:55] It starts off as, I'll just do this once or I'll do this twice.
[00:22:59] And then the feeling you get afterwards is so addictive, but you don't think that any consequences are going to come from this.
[00:23:07] It catches up on you.
[00:23:08] Like, it took me like five years of that for things to catch up to me.
[00:23:13] And my body will never be the same.
[00:23:15] And I don't think it'll ever 100% be repaired.
[00:23:18] My stomach is in pain.
[00:23:20] Like, I don't have regular bowel movements because I've messed up my digestive system.
[00:23:26] I just don't think people realize the implications that these behaviors have on you in the long term.

Carla (Interviewer):
[00:23:32] Yeah.

Stella:
[00:23:33] I think as well, anyone who doesn't feel like they can't talk to anyone or they're scared to talk to other people, I literally cannot recommend journaling enough.
[00:23:42] I think that that's something that I really, that's helped me a lot as well, because I've really struggled with opening up and talking about things, even when I was getting bullied or just with any way that I felt even happy, sad, I was scared to express it.
[00:23:58] So I think by having a journal where no one's going to read it, so I can just write however I feel, whatever I think.
[00:24:06] And then, yeah, I might think about it, but it's not as heavy in my mind as it would have been if I didn't get it out on paper.

Carla (Interviewer):
[00:24:14] Stella, this is such a terrific story to hear from you.
[00:24:18] You've done so much in your life and really changed things around with the help of boxing and therapy and journaling and finding safe ways to be in healthy, positive relationships.
[00:24:32] What's next for you?

Stella:
[00:24:34] I am working a lot.
[00:24:36] I'm focusing on, obviously, I want to be a professional boxer, so I'm trying to put in a lot of time and effort into that.
[00:24:43] I don't know.
[00:24:43] I just want to keep seeing what will happen.
[00:24:46] I have a lot of goals and things, but I also believe that you shouldn't tell me your goals until you reach them.
[00:24:54] But yeah, just basically working towards being a professional boxer would be my number one.
[00:24:58] And then I also love to help people.
[00:25:01] So helping people in any way that I can as well.

Carla (Interviewer):
[00:25:03] That's so good.
[00:25:05] We're so thrilled to have you as part of this series and let people hear this terrific story you've got about boxing.
[00:25:13] Who knew I could be so excited about boxing?

Stella:
[00:25:16] Well, thank you so much.
[00:25:17] I'm so excited and happy to be a part of it as well.

Darcy (Host):
[00:25:21] Thanks for listening to Holding On To Hope, the podcast.
[00:25:25] Lifeline is grateful to all Holding On To Hope participants for choosing to share their personal lived experiences openly and courageously in order to offer hope and inspiration to others.
[00:25:36] Your act of kindness makes for a better world.
[00:25:39] And remember, you can call Lifeline at any time on 13 11 14.